Hypochondriacs unite.

Welcome back to Club Medical where misery loves company and those who think they're sick, but really aren't can gather together to discuss their symptoms. During your fun-filled weekend, we are pleased to offer you the opportunity to complain to your heart's content about all those little aches and pains everyone else is fed up listening to.

This season we are offering a special Thanksgiving package where you can talk turkey with our gourmet experts, sharing their gastronomic secrets on how to prepare the quintessential feast without fowl play. Weekend package includes Thanksgiving dinner on the Turkey Trot Terrace, hosted by Sam and Ella -- experts on how to have a safe holiday without fear of being poisoned to death by an undercooked bird or tainted stuffing. Learn to baste with wild abandon, and take the worry out of Thanksgiving by being cranberry cool and sweet potato savvy.

You will join in discussions with other hypochondriacs to talk about your latest twinges and tingles that plague you every day. We want you to vent your symptoms that your doctors have been telling you for years are stress-related, but which we know otherwise. We take your complaints seriously.Your organs are our main concern. We encourage you to use your time wisely by signing up for seminars that pertain to your particular symptom agenda.

This year, our 30th organ recital keynote speaker is the renowned Belle E. Acher, an expert on the G.I. tract including the appendix, diverticulum and her all-time favorite: the belly button. Dr. Acher does not take indigestion lightly. This woman has guts and gall. She is available for personal consultations, and provides free maps outlining your complete abdominal cavity. Sign up today. It will be a gas.

Colonoscopies can be arranged for an additional fee, and the registration list is already as long as your intestines. These are performed by the world-renown circus performer, and inventor of the latest tube passing techniques, Dr. Samuel Sigmoid, and his team of trained live-wire acrobats who can navigate the colon without the use of a net.

For those whose problems manifest themselves in the cardiovascular area, take heart. Dr. Angie O'Plasty, a cardiologist, has flown all the way from Ireland to assist you in getting the most out of your arteries. In her book: Arteries: How to get rid of Plaque by Daily Aorta Flossing, she explains how to tell if your chest pains are due to 1) an unresolved adolescence, 2) a nagging spouse or 3) a corned beef and jalapeno pepper sandwich on seeded rye.

Dr.Angie O'Plasty, trained in affairs of the heart, will attack your chest with a vengeance. Put your heart in her hands and join her for an informative few hours.

Our weekend also includes the hypochondriac's favorite symptom: the headache. Dr. Mya Graine, the leading headache authority, will teach you bio-feedback techniques that apply to your particular complaint. Men, if your headache is caused by a spouse who asks you to perform unspeakable acts like taking out the garbage or sitting through your kid's soccer games in the rain, you can learn how to use the headache as a viable tool for avoiding such outrageous demands. Women: when your man expects you to cook dinner or cater to his every need, we'll show you how to develop a headache at a moments' notice. Remember, the headache, if utilized properly, can become a couple's best friend.

In between our seminars, Club Medical is pleased to offer you fine dining on either our open-air restaurant, The Ledge, open to all hypochondriacs except acrophobics. These folks might prefer eating in their rooms with two staff members close by who are proficient in performing the Heimlich maneuver. Or, if indoor dining is your pleasure, The Cave, which received a 4-Star rating in Hypochondria Health magazine but might be just a tad too stuffy for some of our guests who don't like enclosed spaces. For those phobic-free individuals, the choice is yours.

Those who consider the brain to be your favorite organ, may we suggest our après-dinner event in the Gray Room presented by our guest lecturer, Dr. Sara Bellum. Those who were with us last year may recall her erudite dissertation: Quieting the Nervous System through Meditation and Regular Jerry Springer Viewing. Dr. Bellum knows the brain like the back of her hand. This years' topic will be: How to Increase Your I.Q. by Drinking Purified Placenta Extract from African Jungle Apes. Seating is available in Right Brain and Left Brain areas, but come early.

What would our Club Medical Thanksgiving weekend be without barely-live entertainment? This week, the rock group, Acid Reflux, will be performing on the Gall Stone Patio. Those who like slow dancing can glide the night away in the Liposuction Lounge while our 12-piece orchestra plays golden-oldie favorites: My Aching Heart, Smoke Gets in Your Eyes, and I've Got You Under my Skin. For those who enjoy the lighter side of life, our group of comedians: The Stitches will make you laugh so hard, you'll split your sides.

Thanksgiving is one of our busiest seasons, and the reservations are pouring in, proving that there are more hypochondriacs than ever before. Is it any wonder? With the rising cost of medical care in this country, people would rather live with their illnesses than see a doctor. Here at Club Medical, we give your symptoms the respect they deserve. If you're hurting, we want to know about it. There is always a dislocated shoulder to cry on. Unlike your friends and family who are fed up, we at Club Medical never tire of listening to your complaints no matter how boring they are.

This year, we are dividing our guests into specific groups according to their symptoms. All those with ailing extremities, hairline fractures and osteoporosis, will go immediately to central casting

People with earaches, scratchy throats and postnasal drips will meet in our newly-appointed ENT auditorium where your ailments will never fall on deaf ears.

Those afflicted with eye disorders including styes, floaters and pink eye resulting from wearing rose-colored glasses, will congregate in the Site for Sore Eyes.

Our guests who believe they suffer from infectious diseases or fevers of unknown origin will assemble in the hermetically-sealed building in the adjacent building until a definitive diagnosis can be determined.

Let's give a rousing hand (except for those with carpal tunnel syndrome) to our staff of advisors, all leaders in hypochondriacal behavior, for making your Thanksgiving Club Medical weekend possible. Remember: you don't have to take your symptoms lying down. Have fun, be careful and keep in mind the Club Medical motto: just because you're a hypochondriac doesn't mean you're not really sick.

Westporter Judith Marks-White shares her humorous views every Wednesday in the Westport News. She can be reached via e-mail at joodth@snet.net or at www.judithmarks-white.com