Warning: the medicine you are about to take might not be right for everyone. Please consider the possible side effects that might ensue once you swallow this pill. Heed the warnings on the label and consider your alternatives. Living with your symptoms might be a wiser choice.

Do not take this medication if you are pre-, peri- or post-menopausal, if you suffer from severe bouts of PMS requiring sedation, or if you are prone to sudden emotional outbursts for no reason.

If you are pregnant, planning on becoming pregnant or despise children, this medicine could prove harmful. However, if you are pregnant but did not know that you were pregnant at the time of consumption, you are exempt. Only those who consciously know they are pregnant are at risk. Using a condom is preferable when taking this medication.

Most common side effects are: swollen joints, sour stomach, headaches requiring use of an analgesic that might conflict with medication, palpitations, white tongue syndrome and hemorrhoids. Dispel all use of medication if you develop a burning sensation upon urination, defecation or if your house is on fire. Do not take if you are overweight, underweight or on any diet or exercise program that requires lifting heavy machinery. Doing so could cause a rupture in a heart valve, groin muscle, appendix, eyeballs and the right hemisphere of the brain.

Those who are sensitive to Ibuprofen, acetaminophen, aspirin, statin drugs, niacin, tussin and broad spectrum antibiotics are considered high-risk. Do not take this medicine if your blood pressure is extremely high or low or becomes high or low after eating chili, changing a tire or making love. Doing so might cause dizziness or inability to express yourself coherently. Do not stand for 45 minutes after taking medication.

Be careful using this drug if you are separated, divorced or planning to be separated or divorced in the immediate future. Use only if you are married, or in the process of becoming engaged to be married. Proof of diamond ring is necessary if you are using this drug for a prolonged period of time.

Studies find that using this drug might cause irritable bowel syndrome and should be avoided especially if you will be away from a toilet for more than one hour. Do not take on planes, trains or ships unless you are moving at a speed greater than light, and know there won't be any unusual travel delays. Call airports and terminals before using.

Drink at least eight glasses of water when taking this medication. If you wear Depends or other brands of adult diapers, you are within the safety regulations of this drug. If you become incontinent, abstain from use. Do not take with any liquid other than water except for Scotch whisky, which has been proven to have beneficial effects.

If you are taking this medication and notice a rapid heart beat, rapid eye movement, rapid tongue wagging or you think you are rabid, discontinue immediately. See your doctor if you are nauseated, have double vision, develop sleep apnea or snore even when awake. If you experience uncontrollable static cling, irrational thoughts and an insatiable desire to mow your lawn in the rain or kiss your pet on the mouth, stop taking immediately.

If you consume alcohol or are a recovering alcoholic, this medication is not for you. If you smoke, taking this drug could interfere with the metabolic absorption of tar and nicotine. If you took this medication after you lit up, please do not exhale. The combination of second-hand smoke and this drug could prove lethal to passers-by and children under 12.

Wait one hour after eating before taking this medicine and don't swim without a lifeguard present. Above all, do not skinny-dip. Playing tennis, golf or other competitive sports could cause a drop in athletic skill. Do not drive a car, golf cart, sled, bus, skateboard, ride a bicycle or use a walker while drug is taking effect. Bird-watching and sitting by the ocean is acceptable as long as you wear UV-protected designer lenses and an SP 30 sun block.

Do not shop while taking this medication. It has reported that people on this drug have no self-control and overindulge. It is best not to enter department stores or other commercial establishments where money is exchanged. The same rule applies to banks, as withdrawals could become excessive. Stay away from race tracks.

Hair color is important. Brunettes and redheads tolerate this medicine well while natural blondes often experience extreme bouts of fatigue and wandering personalities. Those who dye or bleach should proceed with caution.

Eat only certain foods when using this drug. Red meat, green vegetables and all blue food should be avoided, especially the latter where mold could interfere with optimum results. A sudden rash, including blushing, on any part of the body is an allergic reaction. Stop taking drug immediately. Report any sudden hair loss, sweaty palms, decreased appetite and unusual body odor accompanied by ringing in the ears. If you become deaf after use, stop taking this medicine. Selective hearing is not considered a side effect.

If you become bloated, unusually argumentative, dance on table tops, have a sudden decrease in sexual desire and refuse to take out the garbage, this is not normal. If you require naps lasting longer than twenty-four hours you might be dead. Check pulse every half hour. If you have expired, discontinue this medication immediately as it might prove injurious to your health.

Westporter Judith Marks-White shares her humorous views every Wednesday in the Westport News. She can be reached via e-mail at joodth@snet.net or at www.judithmarks-white.com.