Joe Pisani (opinion): I got the scoop on what Biden and the pope were talking about

This handout picture provided by the Vatican Media shows Pope Francis during an audience with U.S. President Joe Biden, accompanied by his wife and entourage, in Vatican City on Oct. 29 2021.

This handout picture provided by the Vatican Media shows Pope Francis during an audience with U.S. President Joe Biden, accompanied by his wife and entourage, in Vatican City on Oct. 29 2021.

Vatican Media / TNS

Joe Biden had a tremendously successful meeting with Pope Francis recently. The two men talked for 75 minutes, and they were so engrossed with kibitzing that the pope was late for his lunch at Domino’s Pizza on Via della Calzone.

The get-together certainly went a lot better than the pope’s meeting with Donald Trump, which lasted only 30 minutes, and Trump probably did all the talking when he wasn’t tweeting. In the official photo, the pope was scowling at the camera and looked like he had hunger pangs. Pope Francis is 84 and Joe Biden is 78, and when two geezers start talking, there’s no shutting them up. And at 75 minutes, the conversation must have gone around the same block a few times. Heck, I start to repeat myself after 10 minutes, but I have a wife who reminds me to shut up. The pope doesn’t have that luxury.

There are several theories about what happened in the Biden-Bergoglio session, since the Vatican didn’t let the media in or release information.

Some insiders have suggested the pope was giving Biden tips on how to run the country, and Biden was giving the pope tips on how to run the Church.

However, I’m convinced that Biden, who is a Roman Catholic, was actually going to confession, and although you may think 75 minutes is long for a confession, it depends on how many sins you have to confess. I myself have been known to hit the 45-minute mark, and believe me, it ain’t fun, especially if the priest is yelling at you and everybody outside is getting an earful.

As a teenager, I often got scolded, but those days are fortunately gone because the priest probably thinks it’s in bad taste to yell at an old bald guy. Of course, the pope didn’t yell at Biden, because he’s not that kind of person. Furthermore, the Catholic Church now frowns upon yelling as a spiritual motivational tool.

The other possibility is the meeting was a job interview. You see, the pope looks favorably on Biden’s policies — especially that alleged $450,000 payout to migrants, as reported by the Wall Street Journal. Plus, he’s always on the lookout for people who think outside the box, which puts Joe Biden in a good position for his next job.

You see, in the Vatican City State, you don’t have to run for office because the pope appoints the president. So instead of seeking reelection in 2024, Joe Biden could be the commander-in-chief of Vatican City with the blessing of his Paisano. A Bergoglio-Biden ticket has a certain ring to it.

That would also give the president access to the Vatican Museums, where Hunter’s paintings could hang alongside Raphael’s and Caravaggio’s.

There must be fierce competition for the job. How else can you explain Nancy Pelosi’s recent visit to the Vatican? Could Pelosi, another Catholic, be looking for work? With all the criticism about the Church being a patriarchy, the pope would be wise to hire her ... if he can keep her away from the Vatican Bank.

Since Francis and Biden won’t meet at Christmas, they exchanged Secret Santa gifts.

Biden gave the pope a historic handwoven liturgical vestment that had been worn by priests celebrating Mass at Holy Trinity Church in Washington, D.C., along with a special challenge coin he gives to “leaders and warriors” he admires.

“You are the most significant warrior for peace I’ve ever met, and with your permission, I’d like to be able to give you a coin. It has the U.S. seal on the front. ... I know my son would want me to give it to you,” Biden said, referring to his son Beau, a National Guardsman who died of cancer. “On the back of it, I have the state of Delaware, the 261st Unit my son served with.”

The pope gave the president an artistic ceramic tile, some of his writings and a CD titled, “Connie Francis Sings Italian Favorites,” which included her famous rendition of “Volare.” (Also known as “Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu,” which either means “Let’s fly high in the clouds” ... or “Let’s get high and fly in the clouds.”)

Later, on Air Force One, there were reports the president was brandishing his Walkman and could be heard singing, “Volare, oh oh. Cantare, oh oh oh oh. Let’s fly way up to the clouds, away from the maddening crowds!”

(Author’s note: Portions of this column could appropriately be described as “fake news.”)

Former Stamford Advocate and Greenwich Time Editor Joe Pisani can be reached at joefpisani@yahoo.com.