Happy holidays, and welcome to this year’s gift selections. With that in mind, we have compiled a list to die for, and quite possibly, die from.

Odorless Perfume

Take aromatherapy to new heights. Guys, if you are allergic to the woman in your life, try something new this holiday season: our Odorless Perfume. Guaranteed to make her happy and not leave you breathless.

This is a must-have item for the woman who makes you sneeze whenever you are around her. Just one dab on the pulse points of your amour, and she will have you falling at her feet from adoration, and not from blocked bronchial tubes. Try odor-free aromas such as musky Odorless Eau de Forest, that will give her that natural woodsy smell. Odorless Chicken Soup is a winner if you’re into women who like to cook, or enjoy Odorless Surf and Turf with that clam and mussel scent, reminiscent of summer days by the shore.

Let your lady spritz away without having you take along your rescue inhaler. She’ll thank you for making her feel feminine and alluring. Odorless perfume will bring the magic back into your relationship — and men, you will no longer need to get shots from your allergists for being with women who are hazardous to your health. Prices start at $75 for a half ounce, and up, depending on your aroma preference.

Titanium Ear Plugs

Tired of listening to your nagging wife or husband? Fed up with all the political banter? Place our Titanium Ear Plugs in your ears, and tune out voices that are jarring to your nerves. When driving, and the pesky person behind you leans on the horn, who cares? With titanium ear plugs, all traffic sounds are like music to your ears.

This gift has been proven to save marriages. It allows you to keep a stiff upper ear in the face of adversity. Make bad news a thing of the past. Live a life of peace this holiday season. For $250, you are in control by not allowing others to pollute your environment.

Puss in Booties

Don’t forget your feline this season. Give the gift that will keep him or her purring for months to come: Puss in Booties, the kitty-glitter boots that your tabby will love to wear. Let your cat be the envy of the neighborhood.

Designed by the famous cat couturier, Pussy Galore, will, for a mere $55 have your furry angel looking fetching this season. Buy a pair now, and we’ll throw in a bag of our organic catnip to provide a real high while puss looks like the cat’s meow.

The Club Medical Vacation

Tired of the usual gifts? This year try something different: The Club Medical Vacation, guaranteed to give the most fastidious hypochondriacs the time of their lives. For $2,500, give our all-expense-paid, 10-day trip to your friends and family members.

This is like no other vacation you have ever had. Our staff includes trained medical personnel, who will listen to your symptoms ad infinitum, and prescribe appropriate meds and placebos, tailor-made to meet all ailments, real or imagined.

Book early and take advantage of our oceanfront rooms equipped with hospital beds and oxygen tanks. Those with phobic fears of germs can have hermetically-sealed bubble accommodations on an isolated floor. For a few extra dollars, private nurses are on call for any sudden emergencies. The Club Medical Vacation is approved by the AMA, but is not covered by medical insurance. Why shouldn’t the faint of heart enjoy their holiday season? You will be treated like the neurotic patient you deserve to be.

The Instand Duct Tape Facelift

Let’s face it, plastic surgery has become grotesquely out-of-sight for the average person, who wants to look good. This holiday, give your loved one a chance to lay back and be nipped and tucked without paying exorbitant prices. Our Instand Duct Tape Facelift is a smart alternative to expensive cosmetic surgery.

There are no dangerous side-effects, and results are instantaneous and amazing. Your friends will marvel at how youthful you’ve become. Forget liposuction. Say “no” to augmentations and brow lifts. For only $4.99 — yes you heard right — you, too, could look enchanting and rejuvenated. Buy our roll of hypoallergenic tape, and in the comfort of your home, tear off a couple of pieces, and pull back your drooping skin.

In only minutes, you will be transformed with that refreshed and glamorous look that up to now only movie stars, and those with big bucks can afford. And, for only $10, more we’ll throw in two more rolls that will last right through the new year. The Instant Duct Tape Facelift comes in four colors: sand, nude, bisque, bare — and suntan for summer months, or vacations at tropical resorts.

Invisible Art

We sold out last year, but are now back by popular demand: Give the gift of culture and good taste. Invisible Art can never be misinterpreted or disliked. It appeals to everyone, no matter how limited his or her artistic scope.

Just hang a piece of Invisible Art on your wall, and people will be overwhelmed and instantly impressed. Never again get into arguments over art appreciation. Invisible Art makes everyone sound like they know what they’re talking about. Originals and reproductions are available.

Prices start at $50 for oils on velvet, and go up to thousands depending on the quality of work. Last year, an invisible Chagall sold for a bundle, while a fake Van Gogh was purchased for a mere $100, including the frame. Become an immediate art aficionado and collector. With Invisible Art, you can turn your home into a museum.

We hope that our 2018 holiday gofts to die for and from will satisfy all discriminating tastes. We wish a happy Yule to y’all.

Westporter Judith Marks-White shares her humorous views monthly in the Westport News. She can be reached via email at joodth@snet.net or at judithmarks-white.com.