Holiday gifts for the creative shopper
Welcome to the holidays. This year we cater to those shoppers who want to spread cheer by being creatively savvy. Hang your stockings with care, and call us if not completely satisfied at 1-800-BAH-HUMBUG. We'll send our elves over straight away.
The Inflatable Husband. Last year we featured the Inflatable Wife. This holiday season, we offer The Inflatable Husband, the perfect gift for women who are feeling a tad neglected. Our Inflatable Husband sits around the house showering you with the attention you need when your real man is a spaced-out couch potato. Simply inflate this handsome specimen of male pulchritude and watch him perform tasks your guy would never be caught doing. He takes out the garbage. He'll rub your back. He'll talk about feelings. Best of all, stick him in the bedroom and he won't snore. He doesn't pick his toenails or belch. He's great to have around even if he is an airhead. His most amazing feature: The Inflatable Husband never answers back. He is programmed to say two things: "Yes dear," and "What do you need?" Available in a variety of skin types and hair colors. $79 for the giant economy size man.
The Snoring Pillow. This pillow doesn't actually snore. It is instead designed for the person sharing the bed with a snorer who can't be otherwise controlled. The Snoring Pillow serves as a sound barrier and works miracles. When your partner won't quit, simply place the snoring pillow over their head, and press firmly down until the snoring stops. The Snoring Pillow comes with a mildly scented flacon of chloroform, which disables the snorer allowing you to get the sleep you deserve. Please note, The Snoring Pillow is non-refundable if snorer doesn't regain consciousness, $37.95 including an attorney's phone number and hourly rates.
Battery-Operated Shrink. Tired of paying exorbitant fees for therapy? This holiday give the gift from which everyone can benefit: Battery-Operated Shrink. Insert two batteries, lie down on your favorite couch and start talking. Our shrink is programmed to periodically interject pearls of wisdom such as: "I hear you." "Time to stop." "It's all your mother's fault." Automatically shuts off after 50-minutes. Guaranteed not to fall asleep in the middle of a session or your money back. $175 per session.
Fruit Computers. Tired of your old Apple computer? Liven up the holidays with Fruit Computers. Be the first to own the 2009 Pear PC or the deluxe, Mango MAC. The Apple, while functional, can't compare to our line of Fruit Computers. The Cherry, Peach and Melon MACS are especially grand. Laptops have matching carrying cases. Desktops in the shape of the particular fruit choice look almost edible. Now you can sit at Starbucks, and work away, knowing you are not only being productive, but look like a Computer Fruit fashionista. Impress your friends. Add excitement to your life by going high-tech this holiday season. Prices start at $1,500 -- not bad for a piece of fruit that won't rot or give you gas.
You-Can't-Have-It-All Health Insurance Plan. Unhappy with all the confusion over current health care? Finally, a gift that takes the worry out of getting sick. This plan covers all ailments including pre-existing conditions that would boggle the mind like ingrown toenails of the hands, feet and other body parts. This year, give the gift of security with a health plan whose benefits include: 1) Hospital of your choice; 2) Laboratories with state-of-the-art equipment; 3) Medications that won't cost a bundle. We have everything you need to keep you healthy except an actual physician. Those who need to see a doctor may go to the emergency room and hope for the best. The You-Can't-Have-It-All Health Insurance Plan is to die for. Fees vary. Hypochondriacs pay more.
The Fruitcake Vault. Take the hassle out of safe-keeping. The Fruitcake Vault avoids the costly price of safe deposit boxes. Give up trips to the bank. This simple but effective invention will keep your valuables buried for years inside its dense interior. It will fool even the most seasoned burglar. People loathe fruitcakes and will avoid them at all costs. You can keep it on a shelf in full view and no one will go near it. Act now and The Fruitcake Vault will be personally engraved by Martha Stewart. In honey glaze, tutti-fruity and Naugahyde nugget. $45.99, including fake raisins.
The Talking Scale. The new gift sensation of 2009 is a scale that puts fun back into dieting. Avoid the distracting job of peering over your stomach to read a dial. One step on this voice-activated scale and it will automatically shout out your weight of choice. You can now refuse to accept overweight as an answer. A woman who usually weighed in at 120 pounds jumped on The Talking Scale and was told she weighed 115 pounds. Two days later, she was 112. If you don't like the weight you are, our user-friendly scale will adjust to your needs. Stay perpetually slim. Customer satisfaction guaranteed. The Talking Scale never argues back. It won't divulge the truth if you won't. $59.99.
The Fabulous Mink-Schmink Faux Fun Furs. Be the first one on your block to wear Mink-Schmink. So real, your friends will think you paid thousands of dollars for your coat. Even real minks don't know the difference. A baby mink, laying its eyes on Mink-Schmink thought it was a relative. Mink-Schmink has been approved by the ASPCA Friends of Animals consider it a humane fur alternative. The best news: it is within everyone's budget. These coats are selling at Wal-Mart for a mere 500 bucks. Hurry. Don't be left out in the cold this winter. Go Mink-Schmink and look fabulous. Act now and a lint remover will be included. Prices vary depending on faux pelts.
Mennenpause: The Hormone Replacement Deodorant For Men. Ladies, cut yourselves a break. You're not the only sex who needs to take the brunt for mood swings. Is the man in your life grumpy and crotchety? Does he have occasional crying jags or get hot under the collar? Are you ready to trade him in for a new model? Don't despair. Simply turn to Mennenpause for those men, who are beginning to display unpredictable and erratic behavior patterns due to hormone imbalances. Help your guy get through his trying times with the life-altering Mennenpause: the deodorant that holds the pieces together. Yours for only $22.96.
The Mother-in-Law Phone Detector With Automatic Screening Device. This is the choice gift for all married couples. Tired of listening to your mother-in-laws' complaints: how you never come to visit, and all those other nasty accusations? For only $49.95 The Mother-in-Law Phone Detector With Automatic Screening Device attaches to any phone. The call-sensitive caller-ID button responds to bad vibes, and automatically emits a busy signal whenever she is on the other end. The decision of talking to mom will now be out of your hands. Don't put up with any guff. Get the holidays off to a rousing start by letting our Phone Detector take over and let you have a life. $99, batteries included.
Westporter Judith Marks-White shares her humorous views every Wednesday in the Westport News. She can be reached via e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org or at www.judithmarks-white.com.