Do my lashes make me look fat?
Being a well-endowed woman once meant having physical attributes in all the right places. Those "right places" have now shifted position, and are moving in a more northerly direction: the eyes, or more specifically, the eyelashes. The revolutionary new FDA-approved prescription treatment, Latisse, has become the latest craze, and everyone is talking. Now, a mere swipe of a brush can turn lackluster-lashes into eyes that smolder and seduce.
My friend Claudia, a woman who is a definite man-magnet, has only one glaring flaw: skinny eyelashes. That is, until Claudia paid a visit to her plastic surgeon, who turned her anorectic lashes into a landscape of hairy protuberances so full and lush, she now needs a weekly trim to keep them under control.
When I last lunched with Claudia, I was impressed. She appeared at the restaurant, her eyelashes arriving at the table even before she did.
"Claudia," I cried in amazement. "Your lashes are so ... so voluptuous."
"Thank you," she agreed, lowering her eyes demurely so her lashes hit the tip of her nose.
There was no denying that she was now bright-eyed and bushy, giving new meaning to the term: "Eye Candy."
I went home and told Mark I was thinking of going the Latisse route myself.
"If eyes are the windows on the world, lashes are the curtains," I said.
"You look fine," came his pat answer for all matters regarding my physical status. "You're perfect the way you are."
But, when I saw an ad featuring Brooke Shields, a woman who boasts the bushiest brows and lashes on this planet and perhaps beyond, it gave me pause. Brooke appealed to those suffering from hypotrichosis, a condition, I learned, not resulting from too much pork consumption, but faulty lash production. I raised an eyebrow, and evaluated the perks of this latest phenomenon.
Brooke's testimony was so impressive that despite a few minor side effects -- eyelid skin darkening, the potential for a permanent increased brown iris pigmentation, redness, itchiness and blindness -- it seemed like an attractive option.
I discovered that many women are now walking around sporting new lashes to go along with their newly sculpted faces.
"I recently had a brow lift, and the bags under my eyes are a thing of the past," my friend, Lucy confided. "Yet, when I look in the mirror something is still missing."
That "something" was a pitiful example of lashes that lacked personality and looked sadly undernourished.
"I spent a bundle on reconstruction," Lucy said, "so why not go all the way? After all, what's the point of having an eye job unless I have the fur to frame them?"
Who could argue? Lucy went for a splash of Latisse, and now her lashes are ever so firm and fully packed that she received a proposal within two months of her treatment. A proposal of what, I wasn't sure. She is walking around flaunting her eyes, secure in the knowledge that her lashes are her greatest accessories.
There was another piece of news that piqued my interest: the chance for hair growth to occur when Latisse came in contact with all skin surfaces. I stored that in my memory bank and investigated further. My findings were confirmed: Latisse was able to grow hair on my cousin Elaine's hairless Chihuahua.
I took that information and made an interesting assumption. If this product evoked such a breakthrough, my husband's life could change dramatically. I waited until he was asleep, anointed a paint brush with Latisse and applied it to Mark's scalp. While he snored away, the treatment worked its magic.
The results are astonishing: Mark's bald spots have all but disappeared. In their place are long, thick, dark hairy patches that are far sexier than plugs or transplants.
Besides that, he's the only man I know who can bat his lashes simply by shaking his head.