Michael Wolfe: Adventures in Car Country

A few weeks ago, I decided it was high time for me to do something to help our struggling economy. I sat down with reams of economic data, developed a few proprietary models, calculated the figures and quickly realized that it was going to be financially difficult for me to hire 11 million people to help me clear the leaves out of my roof gutters. So I decided to do the next best thing, and I've been on a quest ever since: I'm going to buy a car.

The struggles of the automobile industry have been well documented. Selling a car in this country over the last year or so has been about as easy as selling chocolate milk shakes to a colony of lactose-intolerant supermodels. Things are starting to get better, but it's going to be a while before car companies and their dealers recover from the vicious beat-down they've taken. I truly admire their tenacity.

But I've been one of the select few who are actually in the market and ready to buy. I've scoured the newspaper and Internet for information on models and pricing. I've visited over a dozen different dealers in the last month. And it amazes me how, even in the midst of such a miserable market, it's often hard to buy a car without feeling like I'm playing in a warped game of "Spot the Sucker."

Don't get me wrong: many experiences that I've had inside showrooms have been classy and positive. But others have been a little more, uh, memorable. And for all the wrong reasons.

So beyond pouring my hard-earned dollars into the automotive economy, I'd also like to do my part by providing the following list of simple suggestions for car dealers to consider, each derived from one of my recent Adventures in Car Country.

"¢ When a customer asks if you can talk about the basic differences in the various models on display, the correct answer is not: "No."

"¢ I'm speculating here, but I don't think that the overweight guy in a leather sport coat smoking a cigarette while screaming, "We've gotta make quota this month!" in front of stunned and slightly scared customers is the best model for sales management.

"¢ I also doubt they made quota that month.

"¢ When buyers are sitting inside your office, it might be wise to take that list of "20 Sales Lines to Keep a Customer on the Phone" off of the wall above your desk (sample item: "I'm sorry to hear about the death in your family, but we have record low APR financing this month!").

"¢ If you see that my kids are immobilized in the backseat of the car with their knees pressed against their throats, and have lost all feeling and movement in their extremities, it is going to be hard for you to sell the car as a "family vehicle."

"¢ I know that the "$299 a month!" lease deal you are advertising is not going to come with a fully loaded car. It would be nice, however, if it came with an actual engine.

"¢ If a customer tells you that his lease isn't expiring for another two months, and that he just wants to test-drive a car and ask some questions, try to hide your annoyance. I am truly sorry to have bothered you in the hopes of potentially handing you my wallet sometime down the road, but it would be more pleasant for us both if you didn't ask me: "What do you mean, you're not buying today?"

"¢ That's fine. Go talk to the manager. I might not be here when you get back. And I'm stealing some pens while you're gone.

"¢ It's probably not a good idea to keep large groups of customers waiting to even talk to a salesperson for more than 20 minutes. Especially when they can see your sales manager eating a BLT at his desk.

"¢ "What does this model cost?" should be a simple question to answer. That answer should not begin with: "What would you like to spend?" I know this is a negotiation, but I'd appreciate a slightly more narrow field to work with. I'd like to spend nothing, so let me know if that's on the table.

After so many visits, I can usually tell within five minutes whether the dealership experience is going to be a positive one. The easiest tell: if the showroom carpet is dirty, hide your wallet because bad things are about to happen. (And yes, I know my family room carpet is dirty. Bad things happen at my house all the time. And my dog refuses to clean his own paws.)

But on the flip side, I've dealt with many professional salespeople who have gone out of their way to provide information and comfort (and unlimited amounts of hot chocolate to my kids, who have joined us on so many test drives that they're voicing their opinions on whether we really need to upgrade to that V6). The good ones know not to ask for the business before the buyer is ready.

So I will be buying that car. And I'll be sure to buy it from the dealer that treats me less like an idiot and more like a valued and respected customer.

I just hope he's not wearing a leather sport coat. That could be a deal-breaker.

Michael Wolfe writes a monthly column for the Westport News, and can be reached at wolfeml@optonline.net.