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In Other Words / Holiday gifts to die for

Published 6:28 am, Friday, December 13, 2013
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Still struggling shopping for some people on your holiday gift list? Here are a few ideas:

You-Can't-Have-It-All Health Insurance Plan: Unhappy with the hype over health care? Take the worry out of getting sick. This plan covers all ailments including pre-existing conditions like selfish, grouchy and just plain obnoxious. We have everything you need to keep you healthy except an actual physician. You-Can't-Have-It-all Health Insurance Plan is to die for. Hospital stays vary from 20 minutes to eight hours, depending on severity of symptoms. Choose our state-of-the-art Plan A: The Whole Enchilada, or the more economic, Plan B: I'll Take My Chances. Hypochondriacs pay extra.

The Fruitcake Vault: Avoid the costly price of safe deposit boxes. This simple invention will keep your valuables safely buried inside a fruitcake's dense interior. Even the most seasoned burglars will be fooled. In general, people loathe fruitcakes and will avoid them at all costs. Keep it in full view and no one will touch it. Act fast, and your fruitcake vault will be personally autographed by Martha Stewart. In honey glaze, tutti-fruity and Naugahyde Nugget.

The User-Friendly Scale: Don't despair. Put the fun back into dieting. Step onto this adjustable, voice-activated scale, and it will automatically shout out your preferred weight. A woman who weighed 150 pounds dripping wet, jumped on The User-Friendly Scale and was told she weighed a svelte 110 pounds. This scale adjusts to your needs and never argues back. Our motto is: "Your weight is safe with us."Stay perpetually slim while maintaining a positive self-image.

Soup Fragrances For Women Who Want To Land A Man:.Be aroma-savvy this season. One spritz of Eau de Chicken Soup, and no man can resist. You will remind him of his mother and have him eating out of your bowl in no time. For those who want a European lover, Medley of Minestrone will have your Italian Stallion falling at your feet. Want a Jewish doctor? A dab of Matzo Ballelixir, and he'll propose on the spot. (Matzo balls come hard, extra hard and jaw-breaking). A Russian roue' perhaps? Try our Borscht Bisque balm, and he'll carry you over to the Kremlin to meet his Matushka. For the lady who has trouble attracting men, let Soup Fragrances come to the rescue.

The Fabulous Mink-schmink Faux Furs: Don't be left out in the cold this winter. Be the first to own a Mink-schmink. So real that your friends will think you paid thousands. Even real minks are fooled. Mink-schmink is approved by the ASPCA, and Friends of Animals consider it a humane alternative to fur. Within everyone's budget. These coats are selling like hot cakes at Wal-Mart. Act now, and a lint remover will be included. Prices vary according to faux pelts.

Mennenpause: The Hormone Replacement Deoderant For Men: Ladies, cut yourselves a break. You're not the only ones who need to take the brunt of ridicule for mood swings. Is the guy in your life grumpy? Does he occasionally get hot under the collar? Turn to Mennenpause for the man who is displaying unpredictable, erratic behavior due to hormone imbalance. Get him through those sweaty days with life-altering Mennenpause -- the deodorant that holds the pieces together while making him feel secure and dry.

The Battery-Operated Shrink: Tired of paying exorbitant prices for therapy? Give the gift that promises to deliver. Insert two AAA batteries, lie down on your favorite couch and start whining. Our Battery-Operated Shrink is programmed to interject pearls of wisdom, such as: "Hmm. I see," "You sound angry," "It's all your mother's fault," and "We have to stop." Automatically shuts off after 50-minutes. Shrink is guaranteed not to fall asleep in the middle of a session or your money back. We all need that sense of security. The Battery-Operated Shrink will allow you to think you're sane even if you're not.

The Snoring Pillow: This pillow doesn't actually snore. It is instead designed for the snoree who shares the bed with the culprit. This pillow serves as a sound barrier and works miracles. When your partner won't quit, simply place the pillow over the head and press down firmly until snoring stops. the snoring pillow comes with a mildly scented flacon of chloroform, allowing you to get the sleep you deserve. Please note, this item is non-refundable if snorer doesn't regain consciousness. Attorneys' numbers and hourly rates are included.

Judith Marks-White is a Westport writer, and her "In Other Words" appears every other Friday. She can be reached at: joodth@snet.net or at www.judithmarks-white.com