Isn’t this the most beautiful town? It’s fantastic, amazing. Have you ever seen such a wonderful place? It’s got everything. Incredible beaches, with water and sand, and places to barbecue and keep your yachts. And you can live right on the beach, beautiful homes. They only get flooded a couple of times a year, but that’s natural. It happens. I mean, the storms and hurricanes and nor’easters — some people say they’re happening more frequently now. But they’re not. They’re not. That’s a Chinese hoax. And besides, you can raise your homes, your beautiful homes, by a few feet if you want.

You should be able to do that. You should be able to do anything you want. Except there are so many regulations in Westport. I mean, so many regulations. Rules, ordinances and more rules. The government tells you you have to raise your house so it won’t get flooded. But they also tell you you can’t build all the way to that property line. You have to have this setback. You’ve got to get this permit, or wait this amount of time before you tear down your house. They even have regulations about your elevator, if you want to put an elevator in your house. They do. They really do. So sad. I mean, this is your house, and these people are telling you what you can and you can’t do with it. It’s incredible. Just incredible.

I don’t know if there are laws about what time of day the landscapers can use their leaf-blowing machines, but if there are, there shouldn’t be.

A lot of them are Mexicans. They’re my friends. My amigos. I have had a taco bowl lunch with some of them. Jose, and Juan. And Miguel. He’s my friend, too.

But we have to keep their families out. We have to make sure in the future, the jobs, the lawn-mowing jobs and the leaf-cleaning jobs and the pool-cleaning jobs, they go to Americans. These are jobs that used to be done by Americans, and now they’re being done by Mexicans.

It’s going to be even bigger and more beautiful than the stone walls in Westport. And those are big and beautiful walls, am I right? Am I right? Don’t you love our walls? Our walls are so big, we have walls on top of walls. I mean, you drive down any street in Westport, and I mean any street, and you see that we have stone walls.

And trees. Aren’t you tired of all those folks who tell you trees are good for the environment? That they provide shade, and cool the air and that they look good? I mean, okay, one tree, two trees. But hundreds of trees? Thousands of trees? This town is being taken over by trees. And it’s going to stop.

Of course, none of this will be reported in the mainstream media. The New York Times, Washington Post, the Westport News — you’ll never see any of that in those newspapers. They’re totally dishonest. Totally. Horrible, horrible people. You can’t trust them.

They make everything up. Don’t believe a single word you read.

Dan Woog is a Westport writer, and his “Woog's World” appears each Friday.