One resolution, two channels

I had meant to write a column this month about the follies of New Year's resolutions. To summarize, I thought there should be some basic resolutions that are so ubiquitous they should simply be assumed and undisputed. No need to personally list or contemplate the following, because they manage to be on everyone's list and almost never achieved:

1. Eat healthier.

2. Exercise more.

3. Spend more time with family and friends.

4. Stop giving peanut butter to the dog so you can watch him lick his lips non-stop for 45 minutes (conceding the fact that this never fails to be enormously entertaining).

Assuming universal agreement on the above, I began to work on a list of resolutions that were more personal and meaningful.

But then something happened on New Year's Day that shook my family to the core. It had the potential to destroy the foundations of our lives, to replace peace and harmony with unending chaos and disorder. The only comfort lay in the fact that more than 3 million other households were staring with us into the abyss of a dangerous, empty and terrifying future.

The Food Network and HGTV were no longer on Cablevision.

As those of you that share our pain are aware, Cablevision and The Scripps Networks are in a battle over the fees paid for the rights to air the two networks. Negotiations broke down, terms could not be finalized and the decision was made to pull both off of Cablevision systems. As of this writing, neither network is on the air for Cablevision subscribers here in town.

I am fully aware that this shouldn't be a big deal. My wife and I are college-educated professionals with varied interests and the ability to keep ourselves occupied. I know that the removal of two cable networks that focus on food and home shouldn't matter in the grand scheme of a successful and productive life.

Oh, but they matter. At least in the Wolfe household, life's delicate equilibrium has been thrown off balance, and we're struggling to get by.

The explanation is fairly simple. In our home we watch television. Based on the sheer number of gigantic flat screen TVs in most Westport homes, it appears that many of you do, too. At the same time, I know there are plenty of you who don't. I've seen your massive bookcases overshadowing the miniscule 20-inch Trinitron that was purchased during the Carter administration. "We don't watch television," you say with pride as your children look up from their copies of The New Yorker For Kids and beam their lovely smiles at you (while secretly using their pop-culturally deprived brains to plot their sweet revenge against you during your old age).

To those people, I say ... well, bully for you. Just know that my wife and I and our two kids have managed to stay intellectually sharp (note the conspicuous usage of the vaguely British term in the preceding sentence as an attempt to sound worldly) while also catching an episode or two of American Idol now and then (OK, the entire last season of American Idol. OK, we've never missed an episode of American Idol ... but I'm blaming that on my wife).

But in our house, and I suspect many of yours, these two networks occupy two entirely different roles in our television viewership than the average program or network. They are crucial cogs in the machine that keeps things moving, in two distinct ways:

The Food Network, aka The Conciliator -- I want to watch ESPN. My wife hates sports. She wants to watch Oprah. No child with a short attention span will ever concede to watch a talk show. My kids want to watch The Suite Life Of Zack and Cody. I would prefer to exterminate Zack and Cody. Thus, the paradox: trying to act as one harmonious family unit in front of the television is an impossible task ... except when The Food Network is on. We all love it, and love it together. We've taken wagers on who wins an Iron Chef battle. We've gasped when our favorite local restaurant (Valencia Luncheria in Norwalk) appeared on an episode of a show called Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. I've even been allowed to ogle Giada De Laurentiis under the guise of learning how to make my chicken saltimbocca a little juicier (even though I've never made chicken saltimbocca and likely never will). Some have called it food porn. I call it magic. Nothing else on TV unites our family on a regular basis, and without it, we've turned back into warring factions straight out of The Lord Of The Flies.

HGTV (Home & Garden Television), aka The Massage Therapist -- let me be clear, I have no affinity for the world of interior design, and I don't think I've watched an episode on this network in its entirety. And my kids couldn't care less, so the family isn't coming together over shows like House Hunters or Real Estate Intervention. But my wife ... oh my lovely, caring, potentially explosive wife. I know how many people choose to unwind from their stressful, burdensome days by exercising, taking in a movie, maybe pouring a stiff drink or three. My wife watches HGTV. I have no idea how or why, but watching a show or two on HGTV before bed brings my wife to a place of harmony and peace. Without it ... let's just say that evening moods can be volatile. I still tremble with fear as I remember the look in my wife's eyes as she saw the "HGTV is currently unavailable" message scroll across our bedroom TV screen the night of Jan. 1. I never knew a 5-foot 1-inch woman could punch a hole through a television set without chafing the delicate skin on her hands. The next time, it could be my chest.

So my new year's resolutions have shifted. Maybe, in the absence of our two crucial time-wasters, we should actually resolve to engage in the activities they portray. Maybe we should spend a little more time in the kitchen or at the dinner table instead of the family room. Maybe we should think about the projects that would bring the space in our home to life, and then get our hands dirty as a group together to make them happen.

But who's kidding whom. I've got only one resolution. I don't care whose fault it is, or what it's going to take to get the deal done.

I've got to get The Food Network and HGTV back. For survival's sake.

Michael Wolfe writes a monthly column for the Westport News, and can be reached at wolfeml@optonline.net.